


wrapped around his finger

by myday



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Birthday Presents, Cancer, Character Death, Engagement, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Illnesses, M/M, Red String of Fate, Romance, Showki if you squint, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 11:58:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12058536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myday/pseuds/myday
Summary: Yoo Kihyun was made for Im Changkyun. The red thread proved it.





	1. ♥ + ♥

**Author's Note:**

> hello! thank you for clicking my fic! enjoy your stay ^^
> 
> (forgive any grammar errors)

Kihyun believed that everyone only had one soulmate. He believed that each person was made for one other individual and that’s that. This was why he was reluctant to go on another blind date that Minhyuk had set up. But, Minhyuk was persistent.

“Please, Kihyun, just one more date,” Minhyuk implored. “I promise, this is the last one,”

“You said that last time,”

“This is the last one, I swear! If you don’t like him, fine. You can be single forever,” Minhyuk crossed his arms, stating the last sentence mockingly.

Kihyun ended up sitting alone at a table for two, an act he was familiar with. He fiddled with the red thread tied around his pinky. The thin, twisted strands were beginning to come apart. He made a mental note to replace the thread later.

A figure walked over and sat down directly in front of Kihyun. Kihyun looked up from his hands and blinked at a friendly face.

“Yoo Kihyun?” The stranger asked, smiling warmly.

Kihyun nodded. “That’s me,”

“Shin Hoseok,” Kihyun’s date introduced himself. “Thank you for deciding to meet with me. Minhyuk was convinced you wouldn’t.”

“Well,” Kihyun offered a small laugh. “Here I am. Minhyuk’s very persuasive.”

The evening went as any other blind date would. They made small talk, laughed politely at jokes, listened to anecdotes, the same old routine. Halfway through the meal, Hoseok asked Kihyun a seemingly arbitrary question.

“So, you’re religious?”

That threw Kihyun off guard.

“What?”

Hoseok raised his eyebrows at the thread around Kihyun’s pinky. “The string. I know some people tie things around their wrists for religious reasons.”

Kihyun shook his head. He put down his fork and knife, feeling for the thread without even thinking. “No, not religious. It’s just personal reasons.”

“Oh,” Hoseok fell silent for a couple of heartbeats. He chewed on his food slowly. “Is it alright if I ask what reason?”

Kihyun pressed his lips together. “Um, I don’t mind. It’s kind of a long story, though. I don’t know if you want to hear it.”

“No, go ahead,” Hoseok urged. “I have time,”

Kihyun hesitated. Most of his previous dates brushed it off after he said “personal reasons.” He assumed it was out of respect, which he appreciated. But, this was new.

“Okay,” Kihyun sat back in his chair. His hands were in his lap as he played with the fraying ends of the thread. “It starts like this.”

 

It was late December. Kihyun had just begun volunteering at the local hospital. Despite having no interest in medicine at all, he had submitted an application, blinded by charitable impulses that the holiday season brought. After Christmas passed and the merriness dissipated into the winter air, Kihyun began to regret it. He wished he had offered his services to a library instead. He would’ve enjoyed sorting books in a quiet environment.

Lucky for him, on the first day of volunteering, Kihyun was given a book by a woman at the front desk.

“The ninth floor is where the ICU patients stay,” she explained. “Somebody dropped this off for the patient in room 9126. Could you please bring it to him?”

_At least this job involves books..._

Kihyun took the book and scuttled off to the elevators to make his way to the room. Nine floors and many twists and turns later, he came across a closed door at the end of a corridor. The panel on the wall displayed four numbers: 9126.

Kihyun gave the wood door three gentle knocks.

“Come in,” a muffled voice sounded from the other side.

Kihyun did so, turning the doorknob and stepping into the room. He was met with a sickly looking boy about his age. The patient was pale and skinny. It showed in his sharp jawline and cheekbones. The hospital bed seemed too big for him. The blankets and pillows swallowed his propped-up body. Yet, when Kihyun searched his face, he found light in the patient’s eyes.

“Um, I have this book for you,” Kihyun cautiously approached the bed. He extended the book out for the boy to grasp.

“Oh, thank you!” The boy took the book and set it down on the table next to the bed. It was already overflowing with other novels. “I was wondering when Hyungwon would get it back to me.”

Kihyun nodded. “Right,” He began to back out of the room. His deed was done.

“What’s your name?” The boy asked before Kihyun could leave.

Kihyun paused. “Kihyun. Yoo Kihyun,”

The boy smiled. His presence seemed to radiate livelihood and amity. Kihyun found it hard to believe someone so weak and miserable could look so vibrant and alive. “I'm Changkyun. Im Changkyun. Get it?” He laughed at his own joke. Kihyun couldn’t help but chuckle, too. It wasn’t out of sympathy...mostly.

“Yeah, I get it,”

Kihyun turned to leave, but was stopped again by Changkyun.

“Do you want to hear about my book?”

Kihyun looked back meekly. “Uh, actually, I think I have to get back to work…”

“Oh,” Changkyun pressed his lips together, disappointed. “Right. Well, come visit when you catch a break, alright?”

“Alright,”

 

Kihyun did visit on his break. It occurred to him while sorting through medical files that Changkyun must not get visitors often. Maybe he was lonely.

Instead of going to the hospital cafeteria during lunch that afternoon, Kihyun found himself in room 9126 once again. He sat in a chair that he had pulled up next to Changkyun’s bed.

“What are you reading?” Kihyun asked, watching Changkyun delve into his novel.

“A romance,” Changkyun replied. “I could read it aloud if you want,”

Discomfort rose in Kihyun’s chest. The offer gave him flashbacks to grade school. “Isn’t that awkward?”

Changkyun insisted. “Please? I want to. It’s a really good book,”

Kihyun forced himself to put his pride aside. “Okay, then. Read away,”

Kihyun volunteered every Saturday and Sunday. Every afternoon, on his lunch break, he visited Changkyun’s room. Each time, he would listen to Changkyun read from one of the many books that he had.

One day, Changkyun read Romeo and Juliet. Kihyun had already studied the play in his literature class. He disliked the story, finding the romance naive and foolish, but seeing Changkyun absorbed in every line, Kihyun willingly listened. It was hard to be mad at the play when Changkyun enthusiastically gave each character a unique voice.

“Is this your first time reading Romeo and Juliet?” Kihyun questioned after Changkyun closed a scene.

“Actually, no,” Changkyun lowered the book, thumb marking the page. “I’ve read this more times than I can count.”

“So, you really like it, then?”

Changkyun nodded without stopping to contemplate. Kihyun suspected he had already established his opinion. “I think it’s romantic. It just shows they only love each other. They only want each other.”

Kihyun snorted, causing Changkyun to raise his eyebrows. “Isn’t it immature? There’s more than one person in the world who could love you. Why die for the first person you fall for?”

“They’re soulmates, Kihyun,” Changkyun stated simply. He proceeded to articulate when Kihyun gave a questioning look. “Say Juliet dies and Romeo lives. Romeo could easily move on and marry someone else, like Rosaline. Even if Romeo ends up with Rosaline and falls in love with her, he’s not really meant for her. He was meant for Juliet. It’s not the same kind of love.”

Kihyun had to disagree. “I don’t know, Changkyun. They decided to get married the same night they met. That’s rash. Ridiculous.”

“When you meet your soulmate you just know,” Changkyun pressed. “You don’t need months or years to know that they’re the one.”

“It could never work out like that,” Kihyun returned bluntly. “It’s reckless. What if they got married and realized they were completely different?”

Changkyun didn’t seem swayed by Kihyun’s point.

“Don’t you believe in soulmates?”

“I don’t,”

Changkyun’s face fell. Kihyun caught his disappointed expression before he could recover and hide it.

“Do you want to read my favorite part with me?” Changkyun deliberately changed the subject. “We can act it out together!”

Kihyun let it slide. “Which scene?”

“Act 2, scene 2,” Changkyun smiled. “You be Romeo. I’ll be Juliet.”

Kihyun nodded and waited for Changkyun to pass him the book, but instead, Changkyun scooted over in his bed. He patted the space he made.

“Sit,”

“Am I allowed to be in bed with you?” Kihyun blushed at the way he worded it, but hoped Changkyun didn’t notice.

Changkyun shrugged. “Nobody said you couldn’t,”

“What if someone comes in and tells me off?”

“What if they don’t?”

Kihyun sighed heavily and climbed onto the small hospital bed. He was squished up next to Changkyun. Their arms were touching. If Kihyun moved a centimeter over, their hips would be too. He hoped Changkyun didn’t notice how tense he was or how hot his cheeks were getting.

 

“Why do you believe in soulmates?”

Changkyun closed the book they were reading together. They were sitting side by side, sharing Changkyun’s blanket. It was January, a little less than a month since Kihyun met Changkyun. At that point, Kihyun wasn’t so hesitant to sit in bed next to Changkyun. Changkyun didn’t even have to ask.

“Do you know about the red thread of fate?” Changkyun asked.

Kihyun shook his head.

“Well then,” Changkyun sat up, straightening his posture. “I’ll tell you.”

  

 

> _There once lived an old man of the moon. His name was Yue Lao. He was known as the lunar matchmaker because he would tie red strings around the ankles of lovers. This way, the lovers would be connected at anytime no matter where they were and no matter what the circumstances._
> 
> _One night, a boy was walking home when he ran into Yue Lao. Yue Lao spoke to the boy and explained that a red string tied him to his future wife. Then, the matchmaker brought the boy to see the girl he was destined to be with. However, the boy was young and had no interest in marrying, so he threw a rock at the girl and ran away._
> 
> _Eventually, the young boy grew up to be a handsome man. When the time came, his parents arranged a wedding for him._
> 
> _On his wedding night, he found his wife sitting in their bedroom. She wore a flower tucked behind her ear, so that it covered on of her eyebrows. The man asked her why she wore it. His wife told him that when she was young, a boy threw a rock at her, striking her face. She wore a flower to cover the scar._

 

There was ample silence between the two of them as the moral of the story settled in Kihyun’s mind.

“You’re very well read, Im Changkyun,” That was all he had to say.

“Thank you,” Changkyun smiled softly. “There’s not much else to do in a hospital,”

 

That night, Kihyun lay in bed, replaying the story in his head. He still didn’t believe in soulmates. It didn’t seem real, being destined for another person. Love happened by chance. It wasn’t inevitable or guaranteed.

 

It snowed on Changkyun’s birthday. Kihyun didn’t find out about Changkyun's birthday until he saw the balloons decorating the hospital room. A small cake box balanced haphazardly on the clutter of books that crowded the side table.

“January 26,” Kihyun repeated what Changkyun had just said. He was cuddled in bed with Changkyun once again. Changkyun rested his head on Kihyun’s shoulder and hummed.

“Yeah,” Changkyun murmured. “My parents came to celebrate this morning. They couldn’t stay too long. Work and all.”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Kihyun didn’t know how to help.

“It’s alright. Somebody has to pay the medical bills.” Changkyun’s voice was softer than usual. His eyes drooped tiredly. He blinked frequently, attempting to stay awake.

“You look tired. Maybe I should leave, so you can sleep,” Kihyun shifted, ready to roll out of bed.

“No, don’t,” Changkyun put his hand on Kihyun’s arm, halting him. “Stay with me,”

“You should rest,” Kihyun chided lightly.

“No, stay! It’s my birthday,”  Changkyun looked at Kihyun with pleading eyes.

Kihyun slowly leaned back into bed. He let Changkyun lean against him for comfort.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday? I would’ve gotten you something,” Kihyun asked.

“It’s fine. I don’t want anything,” Changkyun assured him.

“Nothing at all?”

“Nothing you can buy,”

Kihyun rested his head against Changkyun’s. “But, you want something,”

“I guess,” Changkyun replied, indifferent. He turned so he could look out the window behind Kihyun. “You know, I haven’t played in the snow since I was five? I would really like to see it up close again.”

“We can do that!” Kihyun perked up. “I could ask a nurse and we can—”

“They won’t let me,” Changkyun interrupted dejectedly. He slumped further into the pillows, sulking. “I’ll get sick,”

“Oh...right…” Kihyun had wanted to ask for a while. “What do you have exactly?” He cringed. It sounded a lot less insensitive and odd in his head.

“Leukemia,” Changkyun grimaced sourly. The light in his eyes and face dimmed. “I get sick easily. It’s really hard in the winter. Why do you think I’ve been here for months?”

Kihyun wished he hadn’t asked. Im Changkyun, who did his best to keep a positive energy and a smile on his face, talked about his disease as if it was his greatest nemesis. And it probably was.

 

Kihyun returned to room 9126 after his volunteer shift. He carried a small box in a plastic bag from the gift shop.

“What’s this?” Changkyun asked when Kihyun put the bag in Changkyun’s lap.

“Your birthday present,” Kihyun answered. “Open it,”

Changkyun reached into the plastic and pulled out a cardboard package. He didn’t need to open the box. An image of the contents was printed on the surface.

“A snow globe!” Changkyun’s stated gleefully. A grin formed on his face.

“You said you wanted to see the snow so…” Kihyun pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his palms. “Happy birthday, Changkyun.”

Kihyun felt an arm jerk him forward by his waist and a body press to his stomach. Changkyun was trying to hug him from his position in bed. It was awkward, but Kihyun did his best to hug him back.

“Thanks, Kihyun,” Changkyun’s voice was stifled by Kihyun’s sweater. “I love it,”

Kihyun left Changkyun’s room that day with a suffocating feeling lodged in his chest. It wasn’t unfamiliar. Kihyun knew what this feeling was.

 

Kihyun had plenty of crushes before, most of which never worked out. He knew how it felt to like somebody, yet this one was strange. This crush didn’t feel so painful. It felt comfortable and sure.

“Are you sure?” Minhyuk inquired urgently. “You’re sure this is a crush?”

They were sitting on adjacent bean bags in Minhyuk’s basement. The TV was on, displaying a game of Mario Kart that Minhyuk had paused.

Kihyun messed around with his Wii controller. He didn’t want to look at Minhyuk, knowing he would turn bright red. As if he wasn’t glowing scarlet already.

“What do you mean? How can I _not_ be sure?” Kihyun twirled the strap of the remote around his index finger. “Look, it’s not a big deal…”

“Yeah, but you just met the guy!” Minhyuk exclaimed. “In a hospital! What, is he hot or something?”

“I think he’s cute. But, that’s not why I like him,” Kihyun gave Minhyuk a pained expression. “Can we just let this go? Nothing’s going to happen anyway.”

“How can you like someone you barely know for something other than his looks?” Minhyuk turned to unpause the game.

“I don’t know,” sighed Kihyun. “Just start the game, Minhyuk. I don’t even know if I really like him.”

The truth was Kihyun did know. He knew that he liked Changkyun, but if Minhyuk was going to question it, he didn’t want to discuss it.

“I just don’t want you getting worked up over someone you barely know,” Minhyuk turned to unpause the game. “Remember—”

“I remember him,” Kihyun interrupted. “It was...it was dumb. Let’s just forget it.”

“You really thought it was something,” Minhyuk recounted. He leaned back into the bean bag chair and glanced at the television screen.

“Yeah,” Kihyun let his shoulders fall. His voice grew faint. “It was too soon, I guess. But, is it wrong to think this would be different? Is it naive to say that I’ve—”

In that moment, Minhyuk unpaused the game, unwittingly oblivious to the rest of the conversation. The Nintendo theme music started up again, filling the room and drowning out Kihyun’s words.

“—never felt this way about a crush before.”

 

January passed quickly. The month was spent with Kihyun in room 9126, reading novels from Changkyun’s collection and sharing their own stories. Kihyun learned about Changkyun’s travels from country to country. He listened to Changkyun reminisce about the antics he and his childhood best friend, Jooheon got into. In exchange, Kihyun told Changkyun about the time his older brother made him eat a bug and his experience with the school choir. Changkyun even asked Kihyun to sing for him. Kihyun did, shyly but with the same passion he carried in all his performances.

“You have a beautiful voice,” Changkyun had told him.

Kihyun fell further and further with every minute he spent with Changkyun. He wanted to keep Changkyun at arm’s length, worried he was getting too attached. But, Kihyun let himself hope whenever their fingers brushed underneath the covers of Changkyun’s bed or whenever he felt Changkyun’s eyes burn into the side of his face.

 

A week into February, Changkyun got sick. When Kihyun came to visit, Changkyun greeted him with a groan of discomfort. His hair was damp from sweat, but he was shivering. He breathed heavily through his mouth and tossed uncomfortably in the bed.

“Oh my god, Changkyun!” Kihyun rushed to Changkyun’s side. He didn’t have to feel Changkyun’s forehead to see that he had a fever.

“Kihyun?” Changkyun’s voice was hoarse.

“Are you okay?” Kihyun shook his head. That was a dumb question. “I’m going to get someone.”

“Kihyun,” Changkyun whined. “I’m cold,”

“I know, Changkyun, just hold on,” Kihyun sped out the door without looking back.

 

He watched from the doorway as nurses crowded Changkyun’s room.

“You shouldn’t be here,” A nurse told Kihyun as she walked out. She was carrying a stack of towels.

“He’s my friend,” Kihyun looked past her, not wanting to tear his eyes away from Changkyun. Kihyun caught glimpses of Changkyun from between moving bodies surrounding his bed. A wet towel rested on his forehead, keeping him cool as his body temperature shot up.

“Give him some space,” With that, the nurse hurried away, white shoes squeaking against the floor. Kihyun wavered before following suit. She was right. He needed to let Changkyun rest.

 

Miraculously, Changkyun got better. As the snow melted into spring, his condition improved. Kihyun watched him transform into a recovered patient, livelier than ever. He was discharged one April morning. Kihyun went up to room 9126 and found an empty bed and folded sheets. The books that were so familiar were no longer piled on the bedside table.

 

Volunteering at the hospital got significantly duller after Changkyun left. Kihyun considered leaving and finding another volunteer opportunity. He was close to calling it quits when a figure approached him at the front desk at the end of his day.

“Hello, may I help you?” Kihyun didn’t look up from papers he was stapling together. His words were brief. After working for hours, all he wanted to do was go home.

“Yes, you may,” a familiar voice piped up.

Kihyun’s looked up so fast, his head could’ve snapped off his neck.

“Changkyun!” he gaped.

Changkyun looked healthier. Still skinny, but less pale. He didn’t look so small now that he wasn’t swallowed by the sheets of the hospital bed. He was standing on his own two feet in front of Kihyun, sporting a white hoodie. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his jeans.

“It’s been awhile,” The only thing that hadn’t changed was Changkyun’s smile. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Kihyun felt his cheeks grow hot. He willed them not to betray him. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” Changkyun shook his hair away from his eyes. Kihyun’s heart skipped a beat at the simple action. “I’m here for you actually,”

“Me?”

Changkyun reached up to awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. In case you haven’t noticed, I like you. So, I was just wondering, would you like to go on a date with me?”

Kihyun’s heart pounded in his chest. He tried to smother the grin that rapidly spread on his face, a feeble attempt to keep his cool.

“I would love you—to! I mean, to. I would love to.”

_Fuck._

Changkyun laughed. His cheeks were tinted with pink. Kihyun, on the other hand, suspected he resembled one of those red Airhead mascots.

“Great! How’s Friday?”

“Friday’s perfect,” Kihyun was supposed to hang out with Minhyuk on Friday, but that was forgotten.

Changkyun grabbed a pen from the pot on the counter. “Give me your hand,”

Kihyun extended his arm, so Changkyun could take ahold of his hand. His touch was gentle, making Kihyun melt inside. Changkyun quickly scribbled something on his palm. The pen tickled Kihyun's skin.

“That’s my number. Text me,” Changkyun winked. Kihyun knew Changkyun well enough to know he was messing around, but it still made Kihyun blush like a schoolgirl. “I’ll pick you up at seven!”

With that, Changkyun sauntered away. Kihyun watched him leave through the automatic doors at the front of the hospital and disappear around the corner. Only then did Kihyun rest his head on his desk and cover his head with his arms, flustered.

 

Yoo Kihyun: Hi, is this Changkyun? This is Kihyun

Unknown Number: why yes, i am changkyun :)

Kihyun added Changkyun’s number into his contacts, relieved that he had read the chicken scratch on his skin correctly.

Yoo Kihyun: I didn’t get to tell you earlier...I like you too

Im Changkyun: !!!

Im Changkyun: always good to know that my date likes me back ;)

Yoo Kihyun: very funny

Im Changkyun: speaking of dates, text me your address i need to know where i’m going to pick you up

Yoo Kihyun: right

 

Changkyun picked Kihyun up from his house at seven, just as he said he would. They went out for dinner and a movie, eating at the pizza place next to the cinema and catching a late film. Kihyun had been on his fair share of dates before. They ranged from casual at-home movie nights to the closest thing a broke student could get to fancy dinners. But, none of those dates compared to this one.

Changkyun was a gentleman. He said all the right things, from compliments that made Kihyun blush to witty jokes that incited wide smiles. Kihyun was a nervous date, but Changkyun was the opposite. Any gaps Kihyun left during the conversation at dinner was immediately filled by Changkyun. In fact, conversation happened naturally, comfortably. Kihyun never had to force a laugh or frantically search for something to talk about. After dinner, they fought over the paycheck. Of course, Changkyun paid, although Kihyun offered to split the bill.

“Absolutely not,” Changkyun had said, putting down his card. “I asked you out. I should pay.”

When Changkyun couldn’t say the right things, he did the right things. Even without words, he was able to make Kihyun’s heart flutter. He opened doors for Kihyun and offered his arm (which Kihyun gladly took). He put his arm around Kihyun during the movie, letting Kihyun press into his body. They sat so close that they might as well have shared one seat.

Kihyun barely paid attention to the happenings on the screen. He was hypnotized by Changkyun’s presence. He noticed the subtle scent of cologne that clinged to Changkyun’s clothing. He appreciated the color of his seemingly soft lips and how his skin glowed, illuminated by the bright lights emitting from the projector. Kihyun loved how Changkyun’s eyes shined. He couldn’t ignore the effects leukemia had on Changkyun. The weight loss and the dark circles of fatigue on his face were obvious. But, the glow in Changkyun’s eyes distracted from all of the wear and tear.

After the movie ended, they sat on a bench outside of the theater. The lights that decorated the cinema building chased away the dark night. It was slightly cold outside. Summer had yet to come. Kihyun never thought spring nights were romantic, but Changkyun proved him wrong.

“Thanks for tonight,” Kihyun whispered. The air was still and he didn’t want to disturb it.

“It’s the least I can do,” Changkyun murmured in the same hushed tone. “You kept me company through most of my stay at the hospital. You really won me over, Yoo Kihyun.”

Kihyun smiled softly. He looked at Changkyun, finding that Changkyun was already staring back.

“You’re cute,” Changkyun didn’t break eye contact with Kihyun. He looked so confident. Kihyun wanted to look away, but he couldn’t. “I have the prettiest boyfriend in the world, don’t I?”

That did it. Kihyun tore his eyes away immediately, flushing.

“Shut up,” Kihyun stammered. He hoped it was dark enough to hide the baffled expression on his face.

“I'm telling the truth!” Changkyun claimed.

Kihyun brought his gaze up tentatively. “Then, you’re not so bad yourself,”

Changkyun beamed at this. Then, something in his face changed. His lively grin relaxed into something gentler, more intimate.

“Kihyun, I don’t usually do this on the first date,” Kihyun felt Changkyun’s stare on his lips. He chewed on his bottom lip, suddenly aware of every movement. Changkyun went on. “But, can I kiss you?”

Kihyun’s breath caught in his throat. His felt his heart stop, yet simultaneously, it beat erratically in his chest. He nodded without even thinking.

As Changkyun leaned closer, Kihyun’s eyes slipped shut reflexively. He leaned forward slightly, counting down seconds.

_Three._

_Two._

_One._

On zero, his lips met Changkyun’s. They were as soft as he imagined, gentle and plush. Changkyun tasted like popcorn and chapstick. Kihyun always believed that first kisses were supposed to be awkward and messy, but this one was perfect. He felt it all, the fireworks, the affection, the excitement. Maybe this was just a lucky date. Or maybe they were made for each other.

Changkyun was the first to pull away. Kihyun opened his eyes and couldn’t help but smile. He wanted to laugh out of happiness.

“Wow,” Changkyun breathed.

“Yeah, wow.”

 

The sun greeted them in May. Kihyun was over at Changkyun’s home, accompanying the latter in building a fort out of blankets and chairs. Changkyun had insisted, saying it was going to be cute and romantic. It wasn’t. They weren’t the best architects. Their fort looked more like a mountain of fabric.

“Maybe we just need to add more blankets,” Changkyun left his room, prompting Kihyun to follow.

“I think more blankets is the problem,” Kihyun pointed out. That didn’t stop Changkyun from opening the closet in the hallway to search for more materials.

“I found another one!”

“Be careful,” Kihyun noticed a tower of board games, winter coats, and other miscellaneous items resting on top of the blanket Changkyun had spotted. Unfortunately, it was wasted effort. As Changkyun pulled on the sheet, everything that had been stacked on top of it came crashing onto the floor.

“Damn it, Changkyun,” Kihyun cursed under his breath. A box of sewing supplies had exploded on the carpet. Needles and spools of thread were scattered in all directions.

“Aw, fuck,” Changkyun bent down and quickly began collecting the small, sharp objects. “Watch where you step,”

They carefully cleaned, checking the carpet twice for any stray pins or needles.

“Kihyun, give me your hand,”

Kihyun looked up from the floor. Changkyun had stopped tidying up. Instead, he held a spool of red thread. Excitement glinted in his eyes.

“Why?” Kihyun let Changkyun take his hand, like he did when he first wrote his number in Kihyun’s palm. This time, Changkyun loosely looped his pinky with red thread, cutting it with his teeth and tying the other end to his own pinky.

“Soulmates are bound together by red thread,” Changkyun said. “No matter where they are, they’ll lead back to each other.”

 _He thinks we’re soulmates?_ Kihyun’s heart sped up, but he fought to hold a straight face.

He scoffed. “Cute, but I need both my hands to work.”

“You’re no fun,” Changkyun pouted. He unwound the thread from his finger and tied a different segment of string around it instead. Now they had matching red threads on their pinkies.

“Let’s just finish cleaning so we can build that fort,” Kihyun rolled his eyes, but his smile told Changkyun his exasperation was insincere.

It was dumb, the thread wrapped around their fingers. But, Kihyun didn’t take it off. He didn’t take it off when he got home. He didn’t untie it when he took a shower. He left it on for days, and so did Changkyun.

 

Kihyun continued to volunteer at the hospital throughout the summer. Staying in a fluorescent-lit building was a drag, especially when the skies were clear and the outdoors were pleasantly warm. Changkyun compensated for Kihyun’s pain by making visits during his break. They made a habit out of hanging out in the cafeteria.

“You have nice hair,” Kihyun commented one day, reaching over the table to brush Changkyun’s hair from his eyes.

“Don’t get too attached,” Changkyun responded. He guided Kihyun’s hands from his face and laced their fingers together. Their pinkies still matched, adorning the red threads. “My doctor says I need to start chemo, soon. The...The medicine isn’t helping anymore.”

Kihyun stomach dropped. “Is it...worse?”

Changkyun shrugged. “I mean, if I need to start chemo, then yeah, I guess,”

Kihyun ran his fingers through Changkyun’s hair again. “You’ll be okay,” he reassured. Though, he wasn’t sure if he was comforting Changkyun or himself.

 

The treatment helped, but Changkyun’s self esteem crumbled. It began when Kihyun pointed out the strands of hair that littered Changkyun’s pillow. Changkyun had been distraught. After that, he stressed for days about his hair loss. Kihyun wasn’t doing any better. It pained him to watch Changkyun obsess over a side effect that couldn’t be helped.

“Maybe,” Kihyun whispered. He was cautious in suggesting it. “It would be better to shave it off.”

“What?” Changkyun looked at Kihyun, stricken. “Shave my hair?”

Kihyun couldn’t meet Changkyun’s eyes. “Yeah. It might be easier than watching it all slowly go away.”

It took some convincing, but eventually, Changkyun reluctantly concluded that it was the best option. They planned it all. Changkyun’s mother would shave his hair at the end of the week. Kihyun would be there to hold Changkyun’s hand.

That Friday evening, the three of them squeezed into the guest bathroom of Changkyun’s home. Changkyun sat on the edge of the bathtub, looking away from the mirror above the sink, shoulders tense. His mom stood behind him with an electric razor.

“Are you doing alright, honey?” she asked Changkyun. Her nurturing tone didn’t change the numb look on her son’s face.

Kihyun sat next to Changkyun, holding his boyfriend’s hand in his lap. “It’ll be okay,” he promised.

“I don’t know,” muttered Changkyun sorrowfully. He pitifully ran his fingers through his hair. A few strands came out, trapped between his fingers.

Kihyun frowned at this. “Stop that. Everything will be fine.”

“Ready?” Changkyun’s mother turned on the razor. A thin buzzing sound filled the room.

Changkyun flinched. There was nothing he could do as his mother lowered the buzzing device.

Kihyun heard Changkyun inhale shakily and hold his breath as the razor touched the back of his head. Out of the corner of his eye, Kihyun saw black clumps of hair fall into the bathtub. Changkyun’s grasp on Kihyun’s hand tightened. Kihyun listened to Changkyun choke back a sob. His heart ached.

“You’re doing great,” Kihyun consoled. It was a sad attempt. Changkyun was in his own world of distress. 

As more patches of black drifted to the floor, Changkyun’s tears fell faster. Kihyun continued to talk him through it all.

“It’ll grow back,” he murmured gently. Changkyun continued to sniffle. “You just have to get better first. This is part of getting better.”

It happened too quickly. No less than ten tearful minutes later, all of the hair Kihyun loved so much was scattered on the floor of the bathtub. Changkyun was left crying in his mother’s arms, still clutching onto Kihyun’s hand.

Changkyun’s mother rested her chin lightly on her son’s hairless head. “Oh, sweetie, I know…”

 

Changkyun began to wear hoods and hats daily. He was wary of going outside, but Kihyun managed to drag him all the way from his bedroom to the front door. Kihyun considered it an achievement.

“People are going to stare,” Changkyun mumbled, eyes trained on the ground. He pulled on the thread around his pinky.

“So what?” Kihyun countered.

“Kihyun…” Changkyun took a breath.

“Yeah?”

“Kihyun, do you think I’m—”

Kihyun knew where this was going.

“Stop,” he interjected before Changkyun could continue. “You’re not. You’re still my handsome boyfriend. I didn’t love you for your hair. I fell in love with you for you. You and your intelligence and humor and optimism. As long as you’re you, I will still love you.”

For a few seconds, no response came. “You...You love me?” stuttered Changkyun.

Kihyun froze. He had let that four-letter word slip without even knowing. “I do,” he responded without skipping a beat. It was so easy, saying I love you for the first time. Kihyun read about it in Changkyun’s books and heard about it from his peers. It was supposed to be something life changing, wasn’t it? It was supposed to be nerve-racking, marked by inconsistent heartbeats and sweaty palms. But, instead, it came with ease. It was as natural as breathing.

“I love you,” Kihyun repeated, more definite this time.

“I love you, too,” 

For the first time in a while, Kihyun saw Changkyun smile. That dazzling, stunning smile that Kihyun had missed so badly. It was sunshine and blue skies after a long spell of rain.

 

Summer ended too soon. The green leaves seemed to turn red and orange overnight. Still, the skies remained deceivingly clear. The sun was out, but the fall breeze overpowered the morning rays of light. Kihyun sat on Changkyun’s porch steps, shivering in a t-shirt and jeans. The cold air cut through the thin fabric.

Suddenly, the front door opened with a loud squeak. Changkyun stepped outside, carrying a hoodie and box of sewing materials. He sat down next to Kihyun, putting the box down and holding the hoodie out for Kihyun to take.

“Here, you look cold.”

Kihyun stared at the hoodie. It was white. The same one Changkyun was wearing when he asked him out.

“Oh...you don’t have to, Changkyun. I’m not that cold.” Kihyun kept his eyes on Changkyun’s hoodie. In all honestly, he wanted to wear it. It was chilly and the thought of wearing Changkyun’s clothes warmed him more than any jacket or sweater could.

“Kihyun, you’re going to freeze. Come on,” Changkyun shook the hoodie in front of Kihyun.

Kihyun sighed and took the fabric. He pulled the article of clothing over his body. Immediately, the air stopped biting at his skin. A faint scent of Changkyun’s cologne lingered around him. Kihyun found comfort in it.

Changkyun looked at him fondly. “You know, you might look better in this than I do.”

“Yeah, right,” Kihyun snorted. “Do you have the thread?”

“It’s right here,” Changkyun picked up the box and set it on his knees. He opened the lid and dug through it before procuring a spool of red.

“Let me,” Kihyun plucked the spool from Changkyun’s hand and began unwinding a thread from the plastic cylinder. He pulled a couple of inches and cut it. Kihyun watched as Changkyun wrestled with the knot that secured the old, fraying thread to his pinky. Once the worn red strand came off, Kihyun replaced it, wrapping the new length of red around Changkyun’s extended pinky.

Changkyun returned the favor, exchanging Kihyun’s old thread for a new one.

“Why are we doing this again?” Kihyun asked.

“Because the threads were falling apart?” Changkyun busied himself with tying up the red string. He double knotted it just to be sure.

“No, like, why bother with this?”

Changkyun hooked his pinky with Kihyun’s and brought his eyes up. “Because, Kihyun, we’re bound by the red thread of fate. Besides, it’s cute this way,”

Kihyun smiled and pressed a kiss to Changkyun’s lips. “You’re cute,”

Changkyun leaned in for a second kiss, which Kihyun gladly accepted. “So are you,”

They sat there for a while, leaning their foreheads together, noses barely brushing. Kihyun could have stayed like that forever. Everything was right in the world when he was that close to Changkyun. The warmth and love in Changkyun’s eyes told Kihyun he felt the same.

“I should go,” Kihyun whispered. Contrary to his words, he was unable to pull away. “I have to get to the hospital.”

“Right,” Changkyun lingered for a moment before brushing Kihyun’s cheek with a quick kiss and standing up. He took Kihyun’s hand and pulled him to his feet as well.

“Here,” Kihyun began to pull off Changkyun’s hoodie, but Changkyun stopped him.

“No, it’s fine. I meant it when I said it looks better on you.” Changkyun flashed a grin that never failed to make Kihyun’s heart skip a beat. “Keep it,”

Kihyun would have rolled his eyes at the gesture. It was awfully cliche, but maybe he didn’t mind it so much.

 

“Pumpkin spice air fresheners,”

“That can’t be an actual thing people buy,”

“Better believe it! I bought one for Hyungwon.”

They were sitting in a cafe, sipping on disgustingly sweet drinks. Changkyun wanted to try the seasonal drinks just because it was only available in the fall. Kihyun went along with it. For Changkyun, he would suffer through pumpkin spice everything. The two of them were seated by a window. Kihyun watched people pass by as Changkyun discussed the obscure pumpkin spice items he encountered at Walmart the other day.

“Speaking of buying things,” Changkyun segued. “Your birthday is coming up, isn’t it? What do you want?”

“World peace. Happiness. The thousands of dollars I spent on textbooks back.” Kihyun replied bluntly.

“Things I can buy, Kihyun,”

Kihyun thought about it. He didn’t really want anything. He was content with what he already had. He told Changkyun just that.

“I already have everything I need,” he stated decisively. “I’m alive and well. And I have you,”

Kihyun beamed proudly. He rarely dropped flirtatious lines, but he enjoyed making his boyfriend blush once in awhile.

“Whatever you say,” mumbled Changkyun. He tilted his head downwards, trying to obscure the pink tint on his cheeks.

Changkyun did end up getting Kihyun a gift. On Kihyun’s birthday, Changkyun showed up at the hospital with a small cake in a pink box and a striped gift bag. He sang happy birthday (purposefully out of tune) and laughed when Kihyun pretend to blow out invisible candles. They shared the cake during Kihyun’s lunch break.

Kihyun eyed the white frosting and looked up at Changkyun. His boyfriend was distracted, trying to stack a piece of strawberry over the yellow confection on his fork. A look of mischief formed on Kihyun’s face. He took the chance to swipe some frosting on the tip of his finger and smear it on Changkyun’s unsuspecting cheek. He laughed as Changkyun cried out, protesting.

“Oh come on, that’s not fair!” Changkyun picked up some frosting off of his paper plate and fought back. Kihyun shrunk back in his chair, giggling as Changkyun reached over to clumsily smudge frosting on his face.

“Aw, no!” Kihyun scrunched up his nose, feeling the sweet substance.

“You started it!” Changkyun’s eyes sparkled with joy. He settled back into his seat. “By the way, about your gift, don’t open it until I leave?”

Kihyun glanced at the bag sitting on an empty chair at their table. “Why?” He reached over to see what was inside.

“No wait!” Changkyun grabbed the gift and moved it out of Kihyun’s reach. “Please, just wait, okay?”

Kihyun leaned back. “Is it embarrassing or something?”

Changkyun tentatively put the bag back in its spot. “Well...for me it is…”

“Fine,” Kihyun conceded. “I won’t,”

“Thank you,” Changkyun sighed in relief. He stared at Kihyun in silence before simpering. “You have something on your face. Come here. Let me help you with that.”

Changkyun leaned over the table and kissed Kihyun’s nose, wiping off the frosting in the process.

“That was gross,” Kihyun flushed. The tips of his ears grew hot.

Changkyun left after Kihyun’s break ended. Kihyun returned to the front desk with his gift in hand. He sat down and opened the bag, discreetly pushing noisy tissue paper aside to get to its contents. Finally, he produced a Gudetama doll. The yellow plush wore an egg shell on its head and sat on a white fabric. The egg shell carried a tag saying “press me”. Kihyun did so.

A familiar voice emitted from the stuffed doll.

“I love you!”

Changkyun had recorded his voice on the device in the plush. Kihyun wondered how he got so lucky.

 

Kihyun’s luck ran out one Sunday in early December. Changkyun didn’t visit during Kihyun’s break at the hospital. He had texted Kihyun earlier, apologizing and saying he wasn’t feeling well. Kihyun had reassured Changkyun it was alright and told him to get better soon. He had left it at that. It was winter. People came down with colds left and right. It should have been fine.

Of course, that was not the case.

Kihyun was walking down a hospital hallway after escorting a new mother to the maternity ward when he encountered a couple of nurses rushing towards him. Kihyun stepped out of the way, seeing them urgently pushing a transport gurney. As they hurried past, Kihyun caught a glance of a familiar figure resting in the gurney.

“Changkyun?”

Panic shot through Kihyun’s body. He turned and bolted towards the waiting room, sneakers pounding against the vinyl floor. A wave of panic washed over him, making him feel nauseous. He felt like he was going to collapse then and there. It couldn’t be. Changkyun should be at home resting. It was just a cold. It couldn’t have gotten this bad.

Kihyun skidded to a halt when he approached the waiting room. It was just as he suspected. There, standing anxiously to the side, were Changkyun’s parents. Changkyun’s mother was being comforted by her husband who looked just as pained as his wife. Their arms were wrapped around each other, supporting each other. If they were here, then Kihyun’s eyes hadn’t deceived him. Changkyun was here, but he sure as hell wasn’t alright.

Neither of Changkyun’s parents saw Kihyun as he backed away slowly. He turned on his heels and sprinted the other way. Kihyun didn’t know where he was going, but he couldn’t stay there. He couldn’t approach his boyfriend’s parents. Instead, he put his body on autopilot, letting his legs fly free as his mind and rationality lost control.

Kihyun’s legs took him to the elevators. He slid into one just as the doors started closing and punched a random number. He didn’t care which floor he was going to. The pediatric ward, the ICU, the roof. It didn’t matter. He needed to be alone and clear his thoughts.

Kihyun caught his breath while the elevator soared up. It was going to be okay, right? Changkyun is a fighter. He’ll come out alive and well.

The elevator came to a halt on floor nine. Kihyun got out and followed his instincts to room 9126. It was less about instincts and more about muscle memory. He could have found his way to Changkyun’s old room with his eyes closed.

The room was unoccupied. Kihyun took the liberty of entering. He closed the door softly behind him and wandered over to the chair that stood next to the window. He fell into the seat and took a deep breath. He was being crazy. Changkyun had been through several battles before. He never lost.

 

Kihyun stayed late at the hospital one day. An accident called for more help than the hospital had, so Kihyun volunteered to stay. The entire time he worked, escorting patients and cleaning equipment, he thought about Changkyun. Kihyun had yet to speak to him. He had texted his boyfriend, but didn't get a response. Of course, Changkyun didn’t have his phone on him, being a patient. Kihyun couldn’t visit either, as he never found out which room Changkyun was put in. Room 9126 was still unoccupied. Changkyun must have been relocated to a different room.

Kihyun was leaving the building at the end of his late shift when an announcement over the intercom caught his attention.

“Yoo Kihyun to room 5140. Yoo Kihyun to room 5140.”

Hope soared in Kihyun’s chest as he spun around and hustled towards the elevators. Somehow he knew it was Changkyun waiting for him in that room. Kihyun entered the elevator and hurried closed the doors. He punched the button with the number five and willed the elevator to move faster. To him, it seemed slower than usual.

When the bell went off and the doors slid open, Kihyun bolted out, following the arrows that told him where he might find 5140. He watched numbers go up from door to door.

_5132._

_5133._

Finally, he reached 5140 halfway down the hall. He stopped at the closed door and didn’t hesitate to open it. He stepped into the room and immediately saw Changkyun. His delight evaporated when he saw how weak Changkyun looked. He looked smaller than he had when Kihyun first met him.

“You’re here,” Changkyun said feebly.

“How are you feeling?” Kihyun would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared. It scared him to see Changkyun worn down and sickly.

“Honestly? Terrible.” Changkyun gave a laugh.

“What happened?” Kihyun walked over and kneeled at Changkyun’s bedside, so their faces were level.

“I thought I had a cold. Turns out it’s pneumonia.”

Kihyun reached for Changkyun’s hand. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I hope so,” Changkyun let Kihyun lace their fingers together. “There are still so many things I want to do with you, Kihyun. It would suck if I…”

“I know,” Kihyun was glad Changkyun’s words trailed off. Neither of them wanted to say the word. Neither wanted to accept something that could be inevitable.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Changkyun told him. “I had to beg the nurse to find you,”

“It’s way past visiting hours, you know,” Kihyun squeezed Changkyun’s hand. “You’re lucky I stayed late tonight.”

“Yeah,” Changkyun raised his gaze from their hands to Kihyun’s face. His face glowed with love. “I am lucky.”

“You should rest, Changkyun. I’ll come visit in the morning.” Kihyun got up to leave, but Changkyun grabbed his wrist.

“Please, stay. I feel better when you’re with me.” He gazed at Kihyun with pleading eyes. Kihyun softened.

“Fine, but not for too long,” Kihyun let Changkyun scoot over in his bed before squeezing in with him. Kihyun felt Changkyun’s high temperature radiating off of his body.

Changkyun, slumped against the mound of pillows behind him, rested his head on Kihyun’s shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Kihyun turned to kiss Changkyun’s head. His hair had begun to grow back since his last chemotherapy treatment. Kihyun knew it wouldn’t last long.

“They cut off my thread, you know,” Changkyun held up his pinky. It was missing the red string. He pouted. “It feels weird, not being connected to you.”

“That’s alright,” Kihyun unraveled his own thread. He tied one end to Changkyun’s finger and the other to his own. They were linked together by a single thread. “There. Is this better?”

Changkyun smiled. “Yes. Better.” His grin broke when he was overcome by a fit of rough coughs. Kihyun, concerned, rubbed his back.

“So, what kinds of things do you want to do with me?” Kihyun tried to distract Changkyun from his illness.

“Well,” Changkyun looked up at the ceiling, thinking. “I want to go on more dates with you. Take you out for a movie with really bad ratings, so we can make fun of it. Go ice skating with you. Kiss you at the top of a ferris wheel.”

“How cliche,” Kihyun teased.

“It’s romantic,” Changkyun defended. “I also want to do all the couple-y holiday stuff that make single people gag.”

Kihyun laughed. “Well, Christmas is coming up…”

“I’ll get better soon!” Changkyun said confidently. “When I do, we’ll get right onto all the cheesy, Christmas things on my checklist.”

“Promise?”

Changkyun hooked his pinky around Kihyun’s. “I promise.”

 

Kihyun didn’t remember falling asleep, but when he woke, he heard violent coughs and harsh gasps for breath. Kihyun shot up in bed. He set his eyes on Changkyun, who was doubled over, heaving and gagging. Changkyun shook with the force of his coughs. His back was damp with sweat.

“Oh my god, Changkyun!” Kihyun leaped out of the bed and started for the door, but he was halted by the thread tying them together. “Oh, fuck,”

He fumbled with the knot, attempting to untie himself, but failed in his panic.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he muttered. Kihyun looked frantically around, searching his surroundings for something to contact a nurse or a doctor. Finally, he located the nurse call button on the bed and pressed it. “It’s going to be alright, Changkyun. It’s fine. I called for help. You’re going to be okay.”

Kihyun wasn’t sure if Changkyun could hear him through his fight for breath. He stood at Changkyun’s side unsure of what to do. Kihyun was left there, helplessly watching his boyfriend struggle.

“Kihyun,” Changkyun gasped. “I...my chest...hurts…”

“What can I do?” Kihyun whispered. He knew there was nothing he could do to help. This was out of his hands.

After what felt like years, a small group of medical staff stormed the room and crowded Changkyun’s bed. Kihyun was shoved to the side, still connected by the thread. Kihyun let himself get pushed around. He didn’t belong here.

Kihyun felt the taut pull of the thread loosen. Suddenly, he was able to retract his pinky back to his body. One of the nurses had cut the thread. Then, Changkyun was wheeled promptly out of the room. Kihyun stayed behind, staring wordlessly out the door.

 

Im Changkyun was a fighter. Kihyun believed that no matter what life put Changkyun through, he would prevail with a smile. Kihyun wished he could have been right.

In the end, pneumonia got the best of Changkyun. His weakened immune system was no match for the infection. How Changkyun had even made it this far was lost on Kihyun. It was miraculous how Changkyun always found something to laugh or smile about even when his immune system sucked at its job. That’s how Kihyun wanted to remember him. A bright, strong, young man who had so much ahead of him. His lifeline was cut too short. Nothing could have been done.

It had been an hour since the doctor came out with the news. Changkyun had passed in the hospital early that morning. Kihyun was still frozen to his chair in the waiting room. Changkyun’s parents were in the building, most likely mourning over their son. They invited him to come see Changkyun, but Kihyun had apologetically denied. Seeing a cold shell of what Changkyun used to be would only obscure what Kihyun remembered him as.

“ _There are still so many things I want to do with you, Kihyun,_ ” Changkyun’s voice echoed in Kihyun’s head.

Kihyun let a few bitter tears slip down his cheeks. He sniffled quietly. Regret gradually ate away at his chest. Changkyun would never be able to do the things he told Kihyun about hours ago. It stung to know that.

It hurt even more to think that he might have lost his soulmate.

 

The funeral was open casket. Foldable chairs were set up in rows underneath a white tent. A coffin resting on a table of velvet looked over the whole event. That day, the skies were gray and cloudy, just as life should be without Changkyun. The wind bit at Kihyun's cheeks as he spectated off to the side by his lonesome. His cheeks were as red as his eyes. As friends and family came, they looked woefully down into the coffin, wiping tears and shaking their heads. It was slightly morbid, people coming up to view a corpse. Kihyun was the last to step forward. He went warily. He desperately didn’t want to see Changkyun lifeless and pale, but there was one thing he had to do before they put him six feet under.

Kihyun approached the polished, wood case. He carried such a heavy cloud of sorrow with him that Changkyun could probably feel his misery from the afterlife.

“Hey...Changkyun…” It was odd whispering to a dead body. Kihyun pulled a segment of red thread that he had cut off of a spool beforehand out of his suit pocket. He made haste tying the thread around Changkyun’s pinky. His hand was cold. Kihyun winced at the touch.

“We’re soulmates, right?” Kihyun murmured, clasping his hands behind his back. He sighed heavily and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill. “I don’t know how I’ll live without you.”

 

Kihyun was numb for weeks. He quit volunteering at the hospital. He couldn’t bear to step foot in the building again. What he needed was a distraction. Naturally, Kihyun threw himself into his school work. When he ran out of assignments to do, he cleaned his room inside and out. When he couldn’t clean any longer, he stayed huddled in his bed sheets, shutting the world out.

Minhyuk visited one day. He frowned at the sight of Kihyun blending in with the bed itself.

“Why is it so dark in here?” Minhyuk made his way to Kihyun’s window and opened the blinds.

Kihyun squinted as light flooded into his room. It had been some time since he saw true daylight. “I like it dark,”

“Kihyun, you need to get up. Live life. Find other people.” Minhyuk looked miserably at Kihyun. “I can’t let you waste your life like this.”

“Leave me alone.” Kihyun mumbled. He rolled over in bed, turning his back towards Minhyuk. “I’m mourning.”

“I know, it hurts,” Minhyuk walked over and sat at the end of Kihyun’s bed. “But, don’t you think you need to start moving on?”

“Haven’t you heard of the seven stages of grief?” muttered Kihyun. “Ask me again when I get to stage seven.”

“I’m not asking you to get over it right now,” Minhyuk stared at his hands. He kept them folded in his lap. “Just...leave your room. Come outside. Eat lunch with me or something. Anything but this.”

Kihyun didn’t reply. He listened to his own steady breathing as he thought. How could he move on after this? Didn’t Minhyuk understand? Changkyun was gone. He lost someone he loved dearly. It wasn't not that easy.

“I miss you, Kihyun. You’re so...down all the time and I don’t know what to do.” Minhyuk spilled. “You’re my best friend. How can I make this better for you?”

Suddenly, guilt struck Kihyun in the chest. He never considered how other people thought of him or felt for him. For the first time, he realized he was hurting other people around him.

“I’m sorry. But,” Kihyun’s voice began to quaver. All the emotions, the anguish, the heartbreak, the remorse, everything he felt over the past few weeks came rushing back to him all at once. “It’s just...it’s too hard.”

Minhyuk sighed. “I don’t get it, Kihyun. Why him?”

Kihyun strained his neck to look over his shoulder at Minhyuk. “Because, Minhyuk, we were soulmates.”

Minhyuk scoffed quietly. “You’ve never believed in soulmates,”

“That’s because I hadn’t met him, yet,” Kihyun replied. “Now I have. And I lost him.”

 

Minhyuk stopped pestering Kihyun after that. Kihyun figured he would finally be left alone to recover at his own pace. He continued through life sluggishly, doing the bare minimum, turning down invitations to go out with friends, dwelling on what could have been with Changkyun. Unhealthy? Yes. But, Kihyun was content with it.

“No, stop. That’s it,” Minhyuk came crashing into Kihyun’s bedroom one Saturday afternoon. Kihyun whirled around in his desk chair to glance at his best friend marching to the center of the room. “It’s been too long, Yoo Kihyun. Now, I’ve given you your space. I let you mourn and go through the circle or chain or web of grief or whatever. But, it’s been _too long_. You need to go out. You need to meet with friends. You need to live your life!”

“But, I—”

“Going to your lectures and socializing with classmates does not count.” Minhyuk cut him off. “I’m going out tonight and you’re coming with. There’s somebody I want you to meet.”

“Minhyuk, I’m not looking for a boyfriend,” Kihyun protested.

“I’m not asking you to date him or anything,” Minhyuk clarified. “He’s a friend from work. I just want you to meet him.”

Kihyun made a face as he considered. Maybe it was time to take the next step.

“Alright…”

“Great! Oh, you’ll love Hyunwoo!” Minhyuk beamed.

Kihyun did end up dating Hyunwoo. It didn’t last, but that’s a different story.

 

By the time Kihyun wrapped up his story, he and Hoseok had finished dessert. Not once did Hoseok interrupt him. In fact, Kihyun appreciated how intrigued Hoseok stayed throughout the whole thing. Whether it was fake or not didn’t matter. Kihyun was just glad he got to tell the story.

“After that, Minhyuk set me up on a bunch of blind dates,” Kihyun pushed around a strawberry on his plate. “Sorry...I kind of talked all through dinner…”

“No, it’s fine! You just made it easier for me,” Hoseok quipped. Kihyun let out a small chuckle.

The waiter came by with the bill, setting the leather book upright on the clothed table. Hoseok reached for it before Kihyun could. Kihyun opened his mouth to object.

“Nope, this is on me. I guess it took a lot for you to come out with me tonight.” Hoseok gave Kihyun a dazzling smile and stuck his credit card into the folder.

“Thanks,” Kihyun watched as the waiter walked by again, taking the credit card as he passed.

“My pleasure,” Hoseok paused before continuing. “Look, I’m not your soulmate. I mean, the way you talked about this Changkyun...the look on your face and all...it’s something. You seemed so dreamy and happy. I don’t doubt that he was the one for you.”

Kihyun’s gaze dropped. He’s gotten this spiel before. This was another blind date down the drain. Perhaps without Changkyun, he was really doomed to be alone forever.

Hoseok went on. “I might not be the one meant for you. But, I really like you, Kihyun.”

Kihyun’s head snapped up. He looked at Hoseok, perplexed. “What?”

“I think you’re sweet. I enjoyed our date and all. Listening to you talk really helped me get to know you.” Hoseok seemed genuine. Kihyun wanted to believe him. “Do you think we could do this again?”

“Like, a second date?” Kihyun had to make sure.

“Yeah,” Hoseok nodded. “And, maybe next time, I could do the talking.”

Kihyun blushed. “Sorry…”

“I’m just messing with you,” Hoseok jested. “What do you say?”

“Sure,” Kihyun agreed with a grin. For the first time, he was comfortable giving this one a shot. Saying yes came naturally, just as it did with Changkyun.

Hoseok reached across the table and offered his hand to Kihyun, palm facing up. Kihyun bashfully accepted, placing the hand with the thread face down over Hoseok’s. Hoseok let out a breath of what Kihyun assumed was relief. He gave Kihyun’s hand a squeeze. The delicate gesture stirred something in Kihyun.

So this is what moving on feels like.


	2. ♥ + ♡

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not over yet

Kihyun carried a bouquet of roses to the front counter where a young woman in an apron was waiting. He set them down and reached for his wallet as the cashier rang him up. The cashier took one look at the silver ring on his fourth finger before giving Kihyun a knowing look.

“Anniversary?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Kihyun swiped his card when the machine was ready.

“Well, congrats! Sign here.” the cashier smiled.  She pointed at the screen on the credit card reader. Kihyun picked up the plastic pen and scribbled down his signature. “How many years has it been?”

“Four,” Kihyun replied with brevity. “Time flies.”

“I would imagine. Do you need a bag?”

Kihyun shook his head and took the flowers off the counter. “No, thank you.”

“Alright, then. Have a good day and happy anniversary!” the cashier chirped as Kihyun exited the store.

Hoseok was waiting for him in the car parked at the curb. Kihyun got into the passenger seat, slamming the door shut. Hoseok sat up straight and started the car.

“Good?”

“Yeah,”

It wasn’t Hoseok and Kihyun’s wedding anniversary. They hadn’t even gotten married yet. This was a different kind of anniversary. Unfortunately, it wasn’t one that called for congratulations.

The car ride was silent. Hoseok knew Kihyun was less talkative on this particular day of the year. Out of respect, he kept his distance. Still, he did his best to ease the pain that came with these twenty-four hours. He did favors for Kihyun and asked Kihyun what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go, what he wanted to eat. Kihyun was grateful for Hoseok’s understanding. He would thank Hoseok later and apologize for the cloudy atmosphere when the day was over.

Hoseok dropped Kihyun off at the parking lot of their destination. He rolled down the window before Kihyun could walk away.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

“It’s fine, really. I’ll be quick.” Kihyun scurried away before Hoseok could ask anything else. He really wanted to be alone today.

Kihyun wandered through the field of grass and stones, not thinking too hard about where he was going. He could locate what he was looking for blindfolded. After minimal searching and reading through engraved names and dates, he found what he was looking for. He stood in front of a headstone topped with a cross. “Im Changkyun” was carved into the rock.

Kihyun knelt down and sat on his knees. He rested the bouquet in his lap.

“Hi,” he began. “It’s already been four years, hasn’t it?” He paused, as if he was waiting for Changkyun to pipe up and add his own comments. “I miss you.”

The winter breeze swept the cemetery, rustling the leaves of nearby trees and the grass that needed trimming. Kihyun hoped this was Changkyun acknowledging his presence.

“Remember Hoseok? The guy I told you about last time?” Kihyun played with the tissue paper wrapped around the roses. “He...proposed. Asked me to marry him. I said yes.”

Kihyun stopped again, letting silence fill the air. Nothing happened.

“He loves me, Changkyun. And I love him.” Tears stung the back of Kihyun’s eyes. “But, he’s not you. You told me about Romeo and Juliet. How even if Romeo ended up with someone else, it wouldn’t be the same kind of love. It’s just like that, Changkyun. I love him, but…” Kihyun trailed off. If Changkyun was listening, he probably knew what he meant. “Anyway, we’re getting married this summer. It’s a small wedding, close friends and family. Will you be there?”

Of course, he didn’t receive any answer. There wasn’t much left to say now. The only thing that remained was a weight that Kihyun carried for some time.

“Changkyun,” Kihyun’s voice wavered. “I’m in love with somebody else. So, I have to ask. Is it okay if I…” He broke. A sob stuck in his throat, but Kihyun swallowed around it. “...if I let go?”

The air stilled, as if Changkyun was holding his breath, waiting for Kihyun to go on.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I think I need this.” Kihyun wiped at the drops running down his cheeks. “You’re not here anymore. But, I still am. So, please, Changkyun, will you let me move on? Is that okay with you?”

Suddenly, a gust of wind picked up and tickled Kihyun’s skin. It threw his hair into disarray. The clouds shifted and enabled sunlight to trickle onto the earth. This couldn't be a coincidence.

Kihyun forced a smile and sniffed. “I guess that’s a yes?” He propped the flowers against Changkyun’s headstone. With his hands freed, he began to tug on the knot that still tied the red thread to his pinky. “Maybe, in another life, things could have been different.” The knot gave, allowing the thread to fall from his finger. Kihyun tied the red string loosely around one of the roses in the bouquet. “If we really are soulmates, I’ll see you again. Soulmates find each other no matter what, right?”

Kihyun ran out of words. It was difficult to keep a conversation this one-sided.

“If you don’t mind, I don’t think I’ll visit for a while.” Kihyun stuck his vacant hands into his pockets. He didn’t feel like crying anymore. His chest felt clearer. He inhaled heavily because for once, he could. “Goodbye, Im Changkyun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok now it's over i promise

**Author's Note:**

> how was it? i hope you liked it! kudos and comments are appreciated!


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